The Apocalypse Of My Bachelorhood

It is good to be happily married.At last you found someone that you can annoy for the rest of your life.

For thousands of years, men have tried to understand how to deal with women. Now, behavioural scientists have come up with an infallible merit/demerit system to help men manage. Remember, in the world of romance one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here's a guide to the points system:

SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed [+1]
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows [0]
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets [-1]
You replace the toilet paper roll when it runs out [0]
When the toilet paper has run out, you resort to tissues [-1]
When the tissues runs out you use the next bathroom [-2]
You go out to buy her tampons [+5] in the rain [+8] but return with magazines
[-5] and no tampons [-25]
You check out a suspicious noise at night [0] it turns out to be
nothing [0] it turns out to be something [+5] you pummel it with a
six iron [+10] it's her cat [-40]

AT THE PARTY
You stay by her side the entire party [0]
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old university
mate [-2] named Tiffany [-4] Who is a dancer [-10] With breast
implants [-18]

HER BIRTHDAY
You remember her birthday [0]
You buy a card and flowers [0] you take her out to dinner [0] you take her
out to dinner and it's not a sports bar [+1] Okay, it is a sports bar [-2]
and it's all-you-can-
eat night [-3] it's a sports bar all-you-can-eat night, and your face
is painted the colours of your favourite team [-10]

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
Go out with a pal [0]
The pal is happily married [+1]
The pal is single [-7]
He drives a Ferrari [-10]
With a personalised number plate (GR8NBED) [-15]

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER
You take her to a movie [+2]
You take her to a movie she likes [+4]
You take her to a movie you hate [+6]
You take her to a movie you like [-2]
It's called Death Cop III [-3] Which features cyborgs that eat humans [-9]
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans [-15]

YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable pot belly [-15]
You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it [+10]
You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy
Hawaiian shirts [-30]
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." [-800]

THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?" You hesitate in responding
[-10]
You reply, "Where?" [-35]
You reply, "No, I think it's your bum"[-100]
Any other response [-20]

COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem: You listen, displaying a
concerned _expression [0]
You listen, for more than 30 minutes [+5]
You relate to her problem and share a similar experience [+50]
Your mind wanders to last weekend's game and you suddenly hear her saying,
well, what do you think I should do ??" [-100]
You have fallen asleep [-200]

IT'S THAT TIME OF THE MONTH
You talk [-100]
You don't talk [-150]
You spend time with her [-200]
You don't spend time with her [-500]
You are seen to be enjoying yourself [GAME OVER - YOU LOSE!!!]

Addendum:

Married men in India are lucky. They get a special day when their wives will put on bridal make up and henna and will fast for them so that they will enjoy a long life. Today is that day and it is called Karwa Chauth. Nowadays, even single women are joining the festival, thinking that if they fast, they too can get a husband. From New Kerala:
They feel if this day can prolong the life of husbands, why can't the prayers help them find their dream husbands. Priyanka Sharma, a third year arts students, said, "I have been observing the Karva Chauth fast since the last two years. My sister-in-law initiated me into it."
Though she admitted that her marriage depends on the discretion of her parents but by keeping the fast, she would appease god and find a good boy.
Two years and still no husband yet? Apparently it doesn't work that way Miss Sharma. The fast is only for married women.